Am quite sure almost all parents have at some stage in their parenting lives given this some thought. Should we put our little one in a Hostel? Will it make him / her better? (From this point on, for the sake of brevity, I’ll use the word ‘him’ to denote children of either sex). Of course, the word ‘better’ is rarely defined in an exacting manner. There is no obvious set definition but ask a prospective parent and it’ll probably go something like this; ‘my child will become more confident, independent, better able to take on the ups and downs of life’ and so on. Sounds appealing, doesn’t it. However, the crucial point to note here is whether any of these assertions are based on actual facts or data or research or is it just our gut feeling, perhaps the result of some clever marketing by the Education industry. Now, having spent many hours digging for information, I find that there is a shocking lack of research done on the benefits or otherwise of Hostel stays. To quote A. Mishra, Lecturer and PhD supervisor at Kurukshetra University, “The survey of related literature gives a clear inkling that no research at the PhD level has been conducted, so far, in India on Hostel or Hostel-life” [1].
Let me make my stand clear; I am dead against putting kids in Hostels. I am against this Hostel concept altogether wherein what is happening, to put it crudely, is that parents essentially give up on their responsibility of raising their own children and sub-contract that job to a third party and hope for the best. Sounds crude when put this way, doesn’t it. Crude, but I daresay, true… Am sure that many prospective parents will get aggravated by my comments but before you get out your pitchforks and torches and come after me, I request you to go through this Article. Whether you agree with me or not, I promise an interesting read.
You may well be wondering that even if I were to give cogent and convincing arguments against Hostel stays, does it really count for much. Isn’t there already established research published in peer reviewed and respectable Journals about the advantages or otherwise of Hostel life and thus is this not, at some level an already settled debate. Considering that we still have Hostels and many are doing roaring business, especially with the high-end fees they charge, is it not therefore, that Hostels must be beneficial and that no adverse research has come forth discouraging this practice. Well, surprising though this may sound, the answer as I hinted earlier is, No. There is just this one book that I’ve come across published in the Indian context by A. Mishra, the same author quoted above, that delves in this issue and mind you, some of the conclusions are rather worrying. As an aside, an additional though important reason for writing this Article is to get this issue of lack of data out in the open so that someone somewhere, whether it be a child psychologist or a behavioral scientist, can take this topic up with the seriousness it deserves and come up with much needed data. For e.g., on other related topics like income disparity, single vs. married couples, racial heritage factors (African American vs. White Americans) have on child rearing have been much researched. The amount of data we have on them is, to put it mildly, voluminous. In our case, left with little choice, I will now proceed to give my arguments against Hostel life and if I cannot give much evidence in support of my stand because of this lack of research data, let us realize that that neither can those who are in favor of Hostel life. Further, in all humility, I am more than willing to stand corrected if convincing data or research does indeed come out at a later date which contradicts my claims.
Before I begin, I cannot but quote from this Book by A. Mishra, the same author quoted above. Although his research is quite old, done around 1994, and it could be argued that the premium Hostels that have come up recently in India are a major improvement over the earlier ones, and also that the data is collated from just three Hostels, which may be insufficient to draw broad conclusions, at the very least some data exists and as I hinted before, it does not quite suit the pro-Hosteliers case. His conclusions are that compared to children who attend day schools and live at home.
Hosteliers have a higher level of “emotional regression” like feeling of inferiority, restlessness, hostility, aggressiveness, self-centered behavior [2].
Hosteliers have a higher level of “parasitic dependence on others”, are more egoistic and lack objective interests [3].
Hosteliers have a higher level of “emotional immaturity” [4].
Quite alarming, his findings, aren’t they…
Now I’ll come to the reason for my anti-Hostel stand. Firstly, I will examine its merits / demerits from a rather strange perspective, viz. Darwin’s theory of Natural selection. Bear with me… Darwin’s theory essentially states that individuals and species evolve to be able to better survive in their habitat. One of the key features of survival is the ability to propagate your genes to the future. You don’t do that, you go extinct. To the confused reader who is wondering where this is all leading to, the key takeaway is that our genes, and those of countless other species, have evolved us towards investing massive amounts of time, energy and resources towards care and upbringing of our young. They are our future in a sense. If our young don’t survive, we don’t leave any descendents and we are extinct. As a consequence, never in the annals of evolutionary history has this concept of separation of the young from parents been sanctified. Think about this, is it not natural in all cultures and in all traditions and all religions anywhere of parents raising their own young. Natural selection has evolved us to form this deep bond with our children and for obvious reasons. So the question is, are we going against Nature when we send our children away? By me, the answer is a firm Yes. Darwinian Natural selection has through the ages preferred individuals and species who have invested time and energy in taking care of their young; to train them, to teach them to better survive and thus to prorogate their genes. We only have to look through all of the animal kingdom and we’ll see this time and again. No higher animals exist that don’t do this. (Lower animals like fish and frogs in fact do abandon their eggs but their evolutionary strategy is then to lay hundreds and thousands of eggs, most of which never hatch or get predated upon before reaching adulthood. Only a few survive which is good enough to carry on their genetic line) [5]. It follows therefore that such behavior has some significant selective advantage. In fact, scientists have determined that this behavior, that of caring for our young, whether we call it parental instincts or unconditional love for our children, is literally ‘hardwired’ in our Brains. Believe it or not, there is an entire section of our Brain along with associated neurons and connections known as the Paleomammalian complex that deals with just this i.e. flooding our Brains with feel good chemicals that naturally make us feel protective and caring whenever we lay sight on our kids [6]. We are not consciously thinking about it; to us it just feels natural, doesn’t it. That we are going against the very grain of evolution, gene response and Brain development when we send our children away from us is abundantly clear, not withstanding any future research which may demonstrate any benefits of Hostel stay, something that I doubt anyways. This much is established Science. The mother bird guarding her eggs, the female cheetah sharing the kill with her offspring or say your own mother changing your diapers, this single-minded devotion to our young comes naturally. Think this through… Raising children is time consuming, tricky, at times frustrating and requires enormous amounts of energy and effort. Kids are stubborn, arrogant, noisy, messy, can drive you nuts but really but don’t we just love them. Officially, we need to credit the Paleomammalian complex for this, but unofficially let’s just call it parental love. If it were not for this neural wiring, we would have abandoned our kids long ago. Evolution has hard wired this love. There must be a reason…
In the same vein, the flip side of the argument would be that no matter how much money you give, what promises be made of providing excellent facilities to your child, what gilded halls and posh rooms are depicted in the Hostel brochure, the essential element of parental care is missing in that environment. Can’t expect a stranger, no matter how matronly, to shower the same amount of love and affection that a parent can. To repeat, from an evolutionary, genetic and a Brain anatomy point of view, it is neigh impossible. Think about it; the same is true for us too, isn’t it? Do we feel the same outpouring of love and affection when we interact with somebody else’s child? The obvious answer is No…
Now my primary gripe about the Hostel system is that, I believe, it stunts the emotional development of the child. Of course, I am not a professional psychologist and this remains my personal opinion only. It could be that Hostels contribute positively in some aspects of your child’s development, say like making him more confident and independent but I strongly feel that this other aspect, the emotional growth of a child or what can be called emotional intelligence, meaning the ability to understand others, empathize and sympathize with others, the ability to relate to others, to feel for others, to overall have an emotional connect with your fellow human beings suffers. May sound like big words there, but bear with me… To me, the feeling of shock abandonment a child experiences when separated from his parents is what leads to this stunted emotional development. If the child loses out on this opportunity to form that most important of bonds that a human ever forms, that with his parents and some may argue specifically with the mother, then I state that the child will not be able to from strong bonds later on in life with anybody, whether it be his spouse, his children, his friends, relatives, work colleagues etc. which, to state the obvious, will be a big negative. This, to me, is the biggest drawback of the Hostel system. Let me give you two specific examples that reinforce this point. Of course, two examples do not necessarily establish causation and as I stated earlier, although this remains my firm opinion, I will be happy to stand corrected if future research shows otherwise.
The first example I want to give is that of Prince Charles (heir to the British throne) and his interactions or lack thereof with wife Diana. To give the relevant background, he was put in a Hostel (obviously or I wouldn’t be discussing this), which was known to be strict, probably excessively so. In his own words he describes his Hostel stay as a “A prison sentence” and a “Colditz with kilts” [7]. To quote the Daily Mail, “What his (Charles) father apparently failed to detect, or didn’t care to, was that his son was sensitive and gentle-natured. To be cast into the hurly-burly of public school life from a sheltered childhood would be difficult enough. To be sent to one of the toughest schools in Britain was a ghastly mistake” [8]. Now, no one would deny that Charles is born into Royalty and enjoys a privileged life. However, does a child really understand that? On the contrary, would he rather feel ‘unprivileged’ and abandoned when sent away? Now, let me put my case with reference to his marriage to Princess Diana. I am not going into the later divorce part and whose fault it was but rather the innocuous interactions of the newlyweds. Immediately post marriage when things were all hunky dory, it is a well known fact that Diana had a hard time adjusting to Royal life. With all its innumerable customs and mannerisms, she felt pretty lost and I am sure she would have looked up to Charles for help. Her thoughts would be somewhat like “Charles is my husband. He knows the ins and outs of this. Surely, he will help. These Royal customs make me nervous. I hope, I don’t commit a faux pas. Frankly all this is rather overwhelming.” Now it is also well know that Charles did precious little to help her, soother her, encourage her or even try to understand her fears. He just carried on as if business as usual. This is the problem… I mean, isn’t this obvious. A person with even the most basic of emotional intelligence could have sympathized with Diana’s predicament and lent a helping hand. Charles displayed that classic lack of sympathy. That’s my point… Now, in light of all what has been discussed, is this really surprising? To me, no… He didn’t get this support as a child when he needed it most. He had to learn to self soothe, didn’t he. Today, we easily relate to Diana’s trauma but I say Charles’ trauma of childhood abandonment was far worse. If an adult Diana finds it overwhelming, what would a young Charles have felt like?
Now, I will relate a slightly personal story of what happened in the case of one of my female relations. I will obviously not be naming her but the narrative is somewhat like this. She was happily married to a guy she loved with all her heart. The marriage ended divorce. Again, I am not going into the whole blame game of who did what, but I will state this; there was a sea of difference between the emotional traumas faced by them. Before that, let me give you some background on the guy. Of course, he had a Hostel upbringing or else I wouldn’t be bringing it up. He is well mannered, independent, suave, confident and charming. All traits, many would argue, specifically the being independent and confident one, are attributable to his Hostel stay, and I could well agree… As I have stated, the couple is now divorced and without going into who did what, it is plainly obvious that the parties have grieved differently. Now, my female relative, she was devastated. You could literally see the pain in her eyes. Without revealing any personal details, suffice it to say that it took her many months to come out of her grief and resume a normal life. At the opposite end of the spectrum, the guy seemed almost entirely unaffected by it all. As if he didn’t give two hoots whether his marriage worked out or not or the consequences of the divorce to them both. He could, I am sure see the suffering of his estranged wife but for the record, no sympathy or empathy or even a few words of support were ever forthcoming. I repeat, and this is the crucial part of my argument, he just didn’t seem to have that emotional connect. Now, is a Hostel stay responsible for this? Of course, I cannot say for sure but as I keep repeating throughout this Article, I believe a strong causation exists between these two factors.
As an aside, I feel the need to clarify on one point. I do not propose that any psychological impact Hostel stays may have on the child be an excuse for any and all behavioral issues later on in life. That would be taking things too far. I do not propose that a criminal taking a stand and admitting to the crime should be let go if he claims an unhappy childhood as defense and justification for his behavior; No. That said, I do believe that emotional abandonment can lead to higher rates of crime. Imagine if research comes up later showing that children having a Hostel education are more likely to commit crime than the non-Hosteliers. All of a sudden, that multi-billion dollar industry set up to take your child away from you would, I daresay, feel like an Emperor with no clothes. In this regard, I will quote one related study conducted in Oregon, USA that finds a strong link between the alienation suffered by a child put in a Hostel and an increased frequency of drug abuse [9].
Some may argue that we could fix some age limit, say 12+ years, above which my reservations about the child’s feelings and related trauma can be set aside. Isn’t the child now old enough not to feel the grievous pangs of separation? Of course, the older the child, the lesser the emotional bereavement. However, I strongly feel that there cannot be any one universally applicable formula for deciding age appropriateness. It is important to remember that each child is different. Some are more independent, some more sensitive. They each take their own time to mature. What may be suitable for a child who is extroverted and independent may not be suitable for a child who is introverted, shy, sensitive and more dependent on his parents. Let’s not paint everyone with the same brush and, as an aside, let’s not criticize the late bloomers. By me, and this is my personal opinion only, it is these late bloomers who may very well one day surpass everyone else because they took their own sweet time to exit their childhood having experienced it to the fullest and are better prepared for their journey later on in life. Therefore, by me, I don’t think any age during school years is appropriate and to be on the safe side it has to be in his college years that your child should bear his first pangs of separation anxiety, if at all.
Now, let’s take my own case. How would I feel if I was put in a Hostel? Frankly, I would be terrified, mortified and scared shitless. Though it may sound irrational to an adult, for the child these feelings are very real. It would be as if my parents had abandoned me, the scars of which I would probably carry for the rest of my life. This much is for sure; as a child, I will be more comfortable with my mother than any matron. Don’t all children have an instinctive aversion to strangers? For a child to replace the bond he has with his parents and transfer it to someone else is neigh impossible. Being all grown-up now and a father, when I look into my daughter’s eyes, I cannot bear the thought of sending her away. I would be devastated to realize that I’d be the cause of all the pain and the sense of abandonment she would feel. I consider it wrong for me to shirk away from my responsibility of raising my own child (of course, goes without saying, with help from my better half). Yes, I do solicit services of her school teachers and the occasional baby sitter, but I will not sub-contact this completely to a third party, no matter what promises are made of making her a better or more confident or more independent person or what facilities she may be provided. My answer is a firm No…
In conclusion, first and foremost, and I keep harping on this, we desperately need some hard facts. I invite students of psychology, pedagogy etc. to roll up their sleeves get some research done. This is a much-neglected subject and a most interesting one at that. Publish papers, collect data, write reports so that we can draw meaningful conclusions. However, until then, exercising my right to an opinion, I firmly state that putting your child in a Hostel, even if it is one of the better ones having all the facilities and so on is a bad idea. Particularly, by me, it stunts the emotional development of the child, has the child suffer through fear, anxiety and a sense of abandonment. To use some strong language, this is in fact, by me, a form of child abuse. Natural law has bestowed upon you the responsibility of raising your child and it cannot be sub-contracted away. Take note, the bonds between parent and child are the strongest of all and cannot be replicated in any other setting or group of individuals, no matter what. Let us raise our own children and try our best to do a good job of it…
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References
- A. Mishra, in Students and the Hostel Life: A Study of University Students, New Delhi, Mittal Publications, 1994, p. 2.
- A. Mishra, in Students and the Hostel Life: A Study of University Students, New Delhi, Mittal Publications, 1994, p. 112.
- A. Mishra, in Students and the Hostel Life: A Study of University Students, New Delhi, Mittal Publications, 1994, p. 115.
- A. Mishra, in Students and the Hostel Life: A Study of University Students, New Delhi, Mittal Publications, 1994, p. 116.
- "Frogspawn," Topmarks, [Online]. Available: http://www.topmarks.co.uk/Spring/Frogspawn.aspx?age=ks2. [Accessed 1 Nov 2016].
- Wikipedia, "Triune brain --- Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia," 2015. [Online]. Available: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Triune_brain&oldid=645850640. [Accessed 14 June 2015].
- A. Renton, "Rape, child abuse and Prince Charles’s former school," The Guardian, 12 Apr 2015. [Online]. Available: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/12/child-abuse-at-prince-charles-former-school-scotland. [Accessed 1 Nov 2016].
- C. Wilson, "Punched as he slept, friends tortured with pliers: As it's revealed the Queen Mother tried to stop Charles going to Gordonstoun, no wonder he called it Colditz with kilts," Daily Mail, 1 Feb 2013. [Online]. Available: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2272134/Prince-Charles-Gordonstoun-Punched-slept-friends-tortured-pliers-wonder-called-Colditz-kilts.html. [Accessed 1 Nov 2016].
- A. Mishra, in Students and the Hostel Life: A Study of University Students, New Delhi, Mittal Publications, 1994, p. 18.
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